My knees hurt.
Stressed, alone, bored, unwilling to sleep.
Listening to Mansun - Legacy
I have to get up in about 5 hours, I'm going out for the day tomorrow somewhere nice with a friend so you'd think I'd be able to lie down and get some decent sleep for it. Nope. Not only am I neglecting my work, because frankly it's the least appealing thing I'd like to be doing that I can think of, I'm also stressed over relationship issues. I find it pathetic that I keep letting myself end up in some sort of unpleasant state where I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with answers and a resolution, if that's ever possible. Why do people keep negative things in their life? I've seen the pattern...this relationship has mostly caused me grief so why do I want to let it ruin things for me? I guess I thought there was potential for it to become something great. That can't happen if someone refuses to communicate in the same way that you want to. Should be pretty simple. Something's not right so you fix it by talking about it to each other. At first I didn't want to discuss it because it would ruin the 'feel' of this type of relationship - fun. Fun means you can't have a serious chat about what's going on if you feel you've come off the tracks a bit? Change is unwelcome unless it means more fun. This is what I was thinking to myself everytime I was desperately trying to get through to this person that something wasn't right and I wanted to explain why. I hate not being able to explain. They give little time for me to explain, and it's not welcomed very well. I backed down and convinced myself it was alright in the end because things were still happening, there was till some sort of a relationship and that made me content. Now I'm thinking is it? Am I? Am I content? I'm sat up at half 3 typing on the computer feeling crappy over an unspoken misunderstanding and I can't even say if that's what happened or it is just me that thinks this. The usual response you get when you tell someone you're confused about something, not happy, don't know what's going on, is to ask. How can I ask if the person blatantly doesn't want to hear it? Or so it seems. I don't want to compromise my position. There are certain things I won't do. Like beg.
I'm pissed off because I'm not incontrol of the situation and it's like an itch you can't scratch. If you want control, you don't beg. I've not exactly behaved so straightforward myself but I am willing to hear someone out if they need to talk. I feel like what's happening is almost cruel, like I'm being punished for something I did years ago and it's coming back around to bite me on the ass. Karma. I've cried real tears over that thought. I've cried before the idea that I might get what I deserve came into my head. I felt guilt. I was sorry. I'm an indecisive little thing and it causes havoc wherever I go, with whoever I meet. Scarily, I think that it's probably just me making a mountain out of a molehill and causing these problems, they don't actually exist until I start to think they might, and then they do suddenly. It's time that stopped, I'm fed up. This week's aim is to get back on track with work. Make appointments. Communicate. Oh yeah, and shed some pounds in the process. Bananas ahoy!
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